I’m 40 weeks pregnant today. In other words, today is my due date. And if you ask me how I’m feeling, the answer would be “still pregnant”. Because there isn’t much else to it than that. Uncomfortable, hungry, tired, very emotional (more than once this week I have wondered if it was possible to become dehydrated from crying), stressed, overwhelmed, and bored. But mostly, I’m fine. Normal, even.
I finished all of my photography work a week ago and have spent the past week getting “ready”, only to discover about five minutes into it that getting ready is impossible. The list of household chores is seemingly endless. Organizing baby stuff is not a doable task! Why didn’t anyone tell me about the horror of washing baby socks!??! They’re the tiniest things in the world! Why does every single contraption need 400 batteries of some obscure battery type? Why is a changing pad so enormous!? Why won’t my cats go away?!
That last one is an ongoing, non-baby-related issue.
Please get off the counter.
Anyway, people keep asking me if I *am* ready, and the answer is yes …and no. Yes, I’m ready to not be pregnant. That’s mostly because, though I knew it would be uncomfortable, I didn’t realize it would be this uncomfortable. I didn’t realize uncomfortable often meant painful. My poor ligaments, holding this bowling ball tummy in place. They hate me.
But am I ready to be a new mom? To have a new human, to be responsible for her, to do any and everything it takes to keep her happy and healthy? No. I don’t know how to get ready for that. I don’t think I ever could. I’ve decided I’m just going to have to jump into it whenever it comes because thinking about it doesn’t help much at this point… and also because that’s kind of the only way to do it.
It seems completely surreal that I’ve reached the moment of meeting my daughter. For all 36 weeks that I’ve known about her, time has seemed to crawl and inch it’s way to this date. And yet, here we suddenly are. Part of me looks back on any point in the last nine months and thinks, thank goodness I’m not still that far away from the end, but another part of me wonders how I got here so fast.
^ At six weeks pregnant. I miss this body a lot, and I’m trying not to be selfish about it, but this girl could turn to her other side in bed *without violently cursing all of humanity*
^ This is on our anniversary, at 15 weeks pregnant. It seems like a million years ago, but at the time, watching my husband drink a celebratory beer seemed to last an eternity. I really wanted to join him. In a few weeks, I will drink a whiskey sour in this patient girl’s honor.
In light of the passing time, I thought I’d share a bit of the beginning of my pregnancy with you. Because of the high miscarriage possibility, this is the part of pregnancy that you keep mostly to yourself. Ironically, it’s also the part where you’d like to talk about it the most – if only for a little sympathy. You feel the most miserable during these weeks, the most scared, and the most excited. I made it to seven weeks before I told my family. I just couldn’t wait any longer.
This is how I did it:
It was the weekend of Mother’s Day and Chris had just finished his second year of law school. We were headed into our hometown for another reason and I asked my parents if we could get together for dinner, on the pretense of celebration for both of those things. My mom agreed to cook Chris a celebratory dinner and my Dad and step mom, Peg, both (thankfully) were able to attend.
I’d been thinking for three weeks about how I’d let them know and had gone through every cheesy pinterest idea possible, from balloons to gifts to dancing cats (not really that last one – btw, does anyone want two cats?). Somewhere on the internet I stumbled upon a girl saying she’d told her friends by faking a selfie and actually videoing her announcement, yelling “I’m pregnant!” just before she “took” the picture (it was videoing the whole time). I decided to steal that idea. I would ask for a group shot, saying something about wanting to use the selfie stick and mother’s day and Chris’s exams being over. I’d flip the phone around because, after all, the front camera is better. I’d have Chris “check” to see if we’re all in frame and “focus the image” (press record), and then Chris would tell me Happy Mother’s Day, Hannah! just before I announced it.
AND I WAS SO. SO. SO. SO. NERVOUS ABOUT IT. My heart is pounding just WRITING about it!
But you know it worked perfectly.
Here is the video. You can seriously tell how nervous I was in the beginning. I didn’t want them to notice that I wasn’t pressing the button to take the pictures, so I kept saying “click” which probably made it even more suspicious.
And yes, I cry every time I watch this video. I’m very pregnant, you guys. 40 weeks today, if I haven’t mentioned it. And it’s been a (mostly) wonderful pregnancy- I’ve had a lot of support and love pouring in from just about everywhere the entire time. While I’m happy to end it, I’m also so happy to have lived it.
Also, I love my family. I’m a lucky girl.